Job application for CEO of Tribune

May 13th, 2009 Comments

Dear Sam Zell,

I recently noticed that your company has filled for bankruptcy protection. I think I can help.

Can I turn things around? No, but I think I can run things less poorly. You and your management team managed to sink Tribune into bankruptcy in less than two years.

Those are skills far beyond what I offer. But I offer my skills for less. If you’re going to fail, why not fail cheaply?

I’m confident that I can run any number of businesses into the ground — whether they be newspapers or financial institutions like AIG. Unlike, however, business executives who claim that they deserve their high salaries and bonuses even when they perform poorly, because “it’s the only way to keep ‘top talent,’” I can deliver the same caliber of results, without having a drastically overinflated view of my self worth.

I know I’m not worth millions a year in salary and bonuses, especially when my company is filing for bankruptcy or asking for a federal bailout. I understand that in a real capitalistic society, you get paid based on your performance, not based on what you the little elf in your heads tells you you’re worth.

Would I have foreseen the wisdom of an over-leveraged $8.2 billion buyout for a newspaper company in 2007? No, that level of incompetence is usually reserved for the most incompetent incompetents. I cannot go toe-to-toe with you or the new Tribune executive team.

But I can do it for less. If you’re having financial problems, why not consider somebody just as unlikely to turn around your sinking ship, but who is willing to do it for less? I’ll accept a salary half of what the average top Tribune executive makes and will only accept a bonus if the company does well and isn’t receiving a federal bailout or in bankruptcy.

I also guarantee that I have better ideas how to turn your company around.

To illustrate why I believe I’d make a better CEO for Tribune, I’ve put together this handy pros and cons list.

Pros of Sam Zell:

Cons of Sam Zell:

  • Doesn’t have the first clue how to run a newspaper company (at least one with $13 billion in debt).
  • Can convince people to help him purchase companies that have little future for a lot of debt.
  • Once told employees that “Everyone likes pussy. It’s un-American not to like pussy.” He’s 67-years old. It was creepy.

Pros of Patrick Thornton:

Cons of Patrick Thornton:

  • Doesn’t have the first clue on how to run a newspaper company as poorly as Tribune.
  • Tweets too much.

Sam, even if you insist on keeping yourself on staff, why not get rid of all those overpaid motherfucker executives at Tribune and hire me to do their collective jobs. What’s the worst that could happen? Tribune goes bankrupt?

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